7 Months ago I was a mess. OCD and anxiety had gotten the best of me in so many different ways. I finally gave in and got medical help. For a month I was on anxiety medicine that was really calming me down and letting me take control of my life again. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately stopped taking my medication. I felt great though, like it was the little push I needed to learn how to control my problem. It's been 6 months since I have had an anxiety attack from OCD.
Recently I have started noticing some of my old symptoms, crossing my fingers that this wouldn't become a problem again. Unfortunately today was that day where I let my fears and anxiety get the best of me. I had let a friend use my hair cutting tools for her client. While she was cutting his hair, I started cleaning out my whole kit. When she was done she was very nice and put my apron and cape neatly away where they belonged.
I lost it. My cape and apron just went into my very clean and sterile kit without being folded by me, the way I needed them to be folded. I tried to stay calm, I told myself "It doesn't matter" and I reminded myself that the worst thing that could happen is they stay in my kit still folded by her. As I kept cleaning the rest of my kit I slowly started to feel my chest tighten up, and my breaths get quicker. I took one more look at those stupid aprons and I knew my anxiety was beyond me. I stepped out side and cried. The one person I can always count on to "understand" my anxiety attacks is my mom, so I called her.
On the phone we went through the basic questions, What's the worst that can come from this? Why can't I just leave it alone? What can I do to fix the problem? She always helps me calm down, and turn every situation into laughter. I was able to go back inside, clean and refold my apron and cape. Every time I thought about the situation, tears would come to my eyes. Surrounded by friends and classmates, I knew I had to suck it up and not let it get to me. It was done with.
It's times like this that are so annoying. It's very ridiculous that someone would cry because someone kindly returned what they had borrowed. It's embarrassing, but it helps me to talk about it, go over the situation and learn ways to avoid the situation from happening again. Next time I will tell others to just leave my stuff at my station and I will GLADLY clean it up.
I am still trying to find the reason or reasons as to why these little things bother me. I have noticed I have more attacks when my life becomes stressful. Stressful defiantly explains my life right now. I have to take a month off of work because I can't be on my feet after school, I have to go to school for 47 hours a week for the next 14 weeks so I can graduate in time for Madison, we are moving next month, and next Thursday, May 31st, is my school's huge hair show in Sandy.
I can only take it day by day, but I am trying to watch my stress and keep calm especially for Madison's sake. I have always worried that this will effect my parenting. If Madison spills something or does something I don't want her to do. How will I handle it? I can't spend my time crying, I need to push it aside and put Madison first. I plan on going back on my medication after I have stopped breast feeding Maddie, but only time will tell. All I want is to put my anxiety and OCD to an end.
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